Thursday, October 09, 2008

Just another morning in suburbia

Yesterday morning my doorbell rang. No big deal, except that I was just stepping out of the shower, and as I'm expecting Julia's birthday present (we ordered early), I ran downstairs and snuck my face round the opening, while clutching the towel. I came face to face with a rather portly man in a T-shirt and jeans, his large open-back truck parked behind him in the street.

Him: Alo, I'm here with your mulch
Me: What the crap is mulch, I mean, sorry, what? What is mulch?
Him: The stuff you put on your flowerbeds, back and front. You can pay via cash or credit card
Me: What? I mean, I didn't order anything? Are you sure you have the right house (stating the house number)
Him: Yes, (stating the house number). Don't you remember I was here last year?
Me: I only moved in two months ago
Him: (Faltering) OK, well, it was ordered
Me: By whom? Paul, our gardener? The managing agent?
Him: Um, yes
(Julia begins to cry on the monitor - I've just put her down for her morning sleep)
Me: Let me just get dressed and see to my daughter and I'll be back
Him: (Hopefully) OK

I go upstairs, irritated that the managing agent or gardener has ordered something without telling me, settle Julia, and get dressed. I call both the managing agent (who doesn't answer and has still not returned my call) and the gardener, Paul, who tells me this bloke is a regular swiz artist that relies on the maids and housekeepers in our street not knowing what's going on, and then dumping his crap on their flowerbeds and presenting the house owners with a bill.

All this time I'm talking to Paul, I'm stuck on the fact that this guy might have thought I was the maid or housekeeper, and strangely, it bothers me. But what maid or housekeeper is running around a house in a towel at 9am? What kind of street am I living on?

Me: (Expecting some kind of confrontation after seeing he has indeed already dumped this crap on our front flowerbed) I just spoke to the managing agent and the gardener (half true, I spoke to the managing agent's voicemail), and no one ordered anything. This isn't for us. Not this house.

Him: OK.

OK. OK? That's it? Evidently he was expecting me to get pissed at having caught him out at his game, and he looked relieved that I didn't. So off he drove, rather quickly, and I now have something that resembles soil with some hay pieces and other rubbish sticking out of it on our front flowerbed.

And on the subject of trash, I just want to comment very briefly on the Jade V Jordan spat. For those of you fortunate enough not to know what's going on, just skip this bit. For those of you bored enough to care, Jordan (Katie Price) has been saying that Jade Goody has a case of bad taste for selling her cancer story to the magazines and newspapers.

WTF? Sorry, but this is Jordan that not only publicizes her every waking moment, but prostitutes her children to the pages of OK magazine, talking about bad taste. She poses provocatively in her underwear, or is it a bathing suit (who can tell?) in nausea-inducing photo-shoots with her kids. Bloody hell, talk about pot and kettle.

I don't much care for either of them, but in all fairness to Jade, she is effectively a single mother (financially speaking at least), and she is very ill indeed. The prognosis is not good, and she is doing whatever she can to make money to ensure her boys have a future, and freely admits to it. If I was her I'd milk it too.

Also, going through cancer and indeed something as frightening as the kind she has, and being so willing to candidly talk about it, is admirable in its own way. There are a lot of people suffering from this illness and it's good that it's brought into public awareness in such a personal way. It may even go towards raising more money for cancer research, which is never a bad thing.

What I did think was in very bad taste however, was this week's OK interview with Jade. The interview questions were beyond stupid and insensitive. These included:

'Do you believe in reincarnation - if so, what would you like to come back as?'
(Jade makes some weird comment about her mother believing her grandfather came back as a bumble bee and that she wouldn't want to come back as one)
And the interviewer then asks,
'If you did, who would you sting?'
Followed closely by
'Would you come back as a ghost?'

These are questions being posed to a woman who has stage three cancer and is planning her funeral.

And your question would be 'And why do you read this shitty magazine?'

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