Saturday, September 20, 2008

Mascara, Vodafone, and meth

I think mascara commercials, both print and television, are the best examples of false advertising. No one, except Julia of course, has eyelashes the kind you see in these ads. Basically three feet long and about a hundred per lid. I mean, who do they think they're kidding? You buy the stuff imagining you're going to get home, apply it, and not only get beautiful thick lustrous lashes, but a great body and a fabulous lifestyle too. And instead all you get are panda eyes from putting on too much, and disappointed at the fact that you didn't wake up with Jessica Biel's body.

Only recently I saw a Boots ad having the courage to include a subtitle which reads, 'Lashes styled using infills.' Thank you, thank you Boots for your honesty. I was so impressed I decided to go straight there to buy my next mascara. Only I saw another ad with a gorgeous celebrity and her impossibly long bushy eyelashes and got distracted. Reality, who needs it right?

I settled on the new Loreal mascara, featuring the impossibly beautiful Aishwariya Rai and her impossibly long thick eyelashes, called 'Volume Shocking'. I had a tough time choosing because they also had, 'Lash Architect', 'Lash Architect Midnight Black', 'Lash Architect Carbon Gloss', 'Double Extension', 'Double Extension Carbon Black', 'Panoramic Curl', 'Voluminous X4', 'Voluminous X5', 'Volume Shocking', 'Volume Shocking Exact Brush', 'Telescopic', and 'Telescopic Clean Definition'. And then men wonder why women take so long in Super Drug.

'Volume Shocking' does, and I can't believe I'm saying this, deliver the goods. It has this double wand thing so you have to read the instructions before using it. Yes I know, like I have time for that in the mornings. But it seems to work by coating the crap out of your eyelashes with two different types of stuff and therefore they do actually come out looking thicker and longer. I won't go as far as saying I put it on and people in the street stopped me and said, 'My god, we're shocked at the shocking volume of your eyelashes!,' but they were noticeably, well, noticeable. (I wish I could say this was a paid for plug, but unfortunately it isn't. If anyone at Loreal is reading this however, feel free to send me free stuff OK? I'm a total prostitute when it comes to cosmetics.

I ended my long term relationship with Vodafone today. I received a bill for 141.60 quid for 'Messaging, mobile browsing + data', this after signing up for their seven odd quid internet browsing deal (per month) in August. Apparently the guy selling me the plan failed to notice and indeed mention that my current plan was not compatible with that particular offer. So after getting a text assuring me it was now safe to inexpensively (don't get me started one what they charged me before) surf the net on my phone, I did so with reckless abandon, only to get hit by this bill.

So I called Vodafone. The short end of being transferred to and explaining the situation to about five different people and being put on hold for so long that I was able to make Julia's dinner and feed it to her while waiting, is that the mobile browsing and data amount is being credited to my account and I have closed it. It's not the first time they've managed to incur my wrath and it genuinely seems as though they have some people working there who don't know what the hell is going on.

The call centre guys have clearly been on 'Irrational Rage-filled Caller Training'. All the people I spoke to remained calm and professional, which was a bit disappointing really. I was chomping at the bit for a fight, even an argument, but no one went for it. I started off by shouting, 'What the crap are you people doing, I'm holding an enormous bill in my hands???!!!' And by the time I spoke to the 5th person I was like, 'Yeah ok, big bill, need refund and, oh yes, want to close account.' I reckon this business of transferring you from one person to the next is part of their plan to wear you out. Also, someone should do research into the subliminal anti-rage properties of bad wait music, I reckon there's something in that.

Ryan O'Neal and his son were busted with meth in LA recently. That's embarrassing. I mean it's one thing being caught out as a drug user, but quite another when it looks like you and your kid use together. There's something quite bad taste about the whole thing, not unlike having your mother cheering along to the stripper at your hen night. I don't have enough battery power in my mac to elucidate how much that notion creeps me out.

And finally, a Roberto quote of the day (after showing him a picture of Zac Efron on Dlisted and asking, 'Honey did you ever have these side stomach/groin muscles?')
"I have those muscles. They're just not visible!"

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