Friday, May 16, 2008

Megadik and raw meat

This morning I woke up to find this in my inbox from someone called 'Ward Clemons'.
Subject: Negroes admire with the of the size - we will surpass them!


Have they ever told you this, "God! Your p bqe en dtj is is so small!"?
Didn't you feel sad?

Don't let ladies choose sexual toys but not you! M kyz eg ucr ad rr ik will make you a real man !

You should simply rely on this excellent preparation!

"Wow! Your pe
oq ni ye s is so large!" Isn't that what you always wanted to hear?
Soon you'll be the only one they will want!Me omp ga bd di kf k is your real cure!

(And then a strange-looking link to the product site)
As tempting as a product with the name Megadik is, I don't know what's more annoying - the racial slur, the racial sterotyping, the fact that people think I have a penis, or the bad grammar. I find all of them offensive. And does anyone actually still use the word Negro? I thought that went out of fashion with the American civil war. I need to take another look at my spam filter pronto.

We've booked our annual holiday this year, Julia's first, and I'm really looking forward to it. With all the stuff we have to pack for her I think I'm going to be able to fit a total of three items for myself in there. Gone are the days of matching shoes and clutch bags for every dress. But, I'll be there in my one pair of khaki shorts and Birkenstocks working the Bavarian tourist look, and by god, I'll have a good time doing it.

I'm looking forward to Julia having her first swim too. We bought her one of those 1920's type bathing suits that covers her arms and legs in UV fabric. When we were kids my mom had us running around in our bikini bottoms, and a holiday was not considered a success unless we had at least one major sunburn and lots of peeling skin on our return. These days we know better, thank god. In fact I wouldn't mind one of those bathing suits myself - covers a multitude of sins.

The weather here in London has finally cooled down. Of course it couldn't just cool down and remain sunny. No, we had to have accompanying rain too. But for once, at least, I'm not complaining. Julia had trouble sleeping in the heat of last week, so cooler weather means a happier sleepier baby.

We saw a baby with a swollen black eye yesterday, being carried by its dad in a baby bjorn. Elizabeth looked at me and said, "Do you think that was a birth defect or a black eye?" I said I didn't even want to contemplate what she was thinking. Even after having a baby myself and knowing what it's like to be so dead on your feet exhausted and frayed at the edges, I can honestly say that I have never ever contemplated or been compelled to hurt my child out of frustration or anger. It is inconceivable to me that someone could consciously hurt a baby that is so utterly defenseless. Completely inconceivable.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, worked for many years as an infant-parent psychotherapist, and with a good deal of parents who had psychological, alcohol and drug problems. So she's seen her fair share of babies that have born the brunt of their parents anger. I can't listen to the stories because they are so utterly distressing.

Julia is now at that age, five months, where she is constantly on the move. She's on the verge of crawling, but not quite. What she does do is roll over and scootch around and if you turn your back for a second she's in a different position. This means I have to watch her like a hawk and constantly have my hand on her stomach on the changing table in case she tries to move off of it. It's a full-time job keeping an eye on her, and I think this remaining baby weight is going to come off soon enough with the amount of energy it takes to ensure she doesn't hurt herself. Which is admittedly what could have happened to the aforementioned black-eyed baby, but that little one didn't look old enough to be moving around like that yet.

I've found a great butchers that does organic meat. Really lovely stuff, except that one of the butchers that works there goes from cutting the meat with his bare hands to then processing my credit card. No wiping or washing in between these two actions. I gingerly take my card back from him and then as soon as I am out of the store reach for one of Julia's Milton's sterilizing wipes to give my card the once over. Next time I'm going to say something to him. I mean, this is not just me being germ-phobe anal right? There must be some health and safety rules about this sort of thing. We're talking about raw meat?! And surely handling money and cards and then going back to handling the meat can't be good either right?

And on that appetizing note I really should go and forage before Julia wakes for her lunch and a walk.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A new and better Star Wars theme

I don't know about anyone else, but I for one always thought the Star Wars theme could have been better. I mean, it's based in space right? But does it sound and feel spacey to you? I don't think so. Well at least one other person agrees with me, and he did something about it.

Here is Michael Machell on Britain's Got Talent giving us his brilliant reworked rendition. I reckon all new digitally remastered DVD's should carry Michael's version, and George Lucas should thank his lucky stars that his lame ass soundtrack got some much needed help.

Update: I've had a few problems with this clip, so please click here to see it directly in You Tube.

Anya Sparks has got the moves

You know the kind of dancing you do when you're alone in your room, in your undies, and your favourite song comes on? None of that conservative must look cool kind of stuff you do in public, but the totally funky over-the-top Flashdance/karate kind of moves as though you were a backup dancer for Madonna? Now imagine that, but on stage and TV in front of thousands of people. But instead of everyone having a laugh as you think they might, they all start to cheer. Well this is exactly what happened to Anya Sparks on 'Britain's Got Talent'.

Anya, a 40-something-year-old mom and non-professional dancer, says she gets her groove on at home while doing the cleaning.

What a wonderful and refreshing thing to see someone so free and uninhibited, and the best thing is that people really felt it, and boy did she get that audience going. People totally looked as though they wanted to jump out of their seats and start dancing with her.

You go girl!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I'm having flashbacks

When I saw this recent pic of Amy Winehouse on Dlisted, it immediately made me think of that shocking pic of Nicole Richie at her lowest weight running on the beach. This pic also shows just how scrawny she has gotten lately, not to mention, well, strange.

Not much more to say really. I mean, it is what it is.

More pics of Amy looking extremely thin here.

Then and now

I love love love this idea. People have taken favourite photos from their childhoods and then recreated the poses/scenarios as adults. Great idea I think, especially the family ones. These can be viewed on a site called Color Wars 2008.

A big thank you to the lovely Louise for the tip

Photo: Color Wars 2008

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Denial is not just a river in Egypt

I recently found myself in a department store seriously considering one baby gadget over another, despite it being 50 quid more expensive. This because the words 'Baby Einstein' were branded on it in bold red letters. Yep, those marketing people are sly - they know that as new parents you imagine your own little Julia or Phineas playing with said gadget and going on to be instrumental in the creation of an Atom Bomb that kills thousands of people. Naturally you feel compelled to pay whatever the asking price.

The other thing you get royally screwed by are 'the extras' when you buy a pram/buggy. There was me, yes foolish me, thinking that when we bought a pram, a mere snip at 400 quid (and this is considered a middle of the road price here), that that thing would come with all the bells, whistles, and bling you could ask for. It's only when it arrived that I realised that you need to buy the pram liner separately, oh and a good sun visor separately, and a parasol separately, and a cup holder separately. I tell you, next to the cosmetics industry, the baby one is right up there in terms of having a laugh and taking the piss. And any other expletives you can think of.

So a bit of advice to anyone that is about to sprog and wanting to go and get all kitted out: Have the salesperson tell you exactly what that pram comes with before you buy. And remember to get the cup holder. I mean, where else are you going to put your Starbucks?

I've began to noticeably age- a fact painfully obvious to everyone else for the longest time, but a new one to narcissistic avoidant me. Whereas before some Clinique Double Matte face powder, rouge, and a bit of lipstick appeared to do the 'fresh faced' trick, since having a baby I now have to use concealer, Touche Eclat, plus the face powder. Oh yes, and I've started using eye cream. You know you're getting to a certain age when you start considering ridiculously overpriced eye cream as a basic must-have in your beauty routine.

Also, things are not helped by the fact that I keep getting poor grammatical penis paraphernalia spam: 'Increase sex happiness for all time' or 'Larger penis fun for all,' or 'The life needs to be lived in the pleasure and the it will be more, the better.' And my favourite, 'Desire to be better to become a reality.' These are actual subject headers to the emails I get sent.

I mean, let's be frank here, if I had a penis to begin with, which thankfully I do not, do these people honestly think I would purchase a mechanism or tablet for it from someone that is illiterate? Bad grammar to me shouts out in bright flashing lights: I WISH I HADN'T USED THAT CHEAP INTERNET CRAP ON MY NOW PAINFULLY PURPLE INFLAMED PENIS!!!

Julia's maternity nurse and our friend, Elizabeth, is back with us for a couple of weeks before returning to the USA where she lives. She cannot comprehend my daily dose of two 'Sex And The City' episodes, which I watch at around 10am - taped from the night before. Despite the fact that I've seen them all before, about three times at least, I find the repetition, along with a cup of tea, strangely soothing and reassuring at that time of the morning. Until she begins the questions that is, "Are those women prostitutes?" she asks with a repulsed look on her face. "There seems to be a lot of sex going on with different men. And why do they have to talk about it so much?"

I explain that the programme is reflective of a lot of single women's lifestyles these days, and it's considered pretty normal. She looks at me as if to say, "You did that?!? To which I quickly respond, "Well, not me naturally, I mean I never did that sort of thing, but people I know." Sometimes it's better to lie, especially when you're holding your five month old daughter on your lap and trying very hard to look the part of a good mother.

I think I got off lightly. This week she told off the cashier at Boots for, in her words, smelling heavily of tobacco, and advised that it wasn't prudent for someone that was working in a pharmacy to reek of yesterday's ashtray. Trying hard not to laugh I asked her what the poor man had said in his defence, to which she replied that he'd simply looked down at his shoes with a guilty and remorseful expression on his face.

I imagine he was thinking, "I'm not getting enough money to put up with this shit," but hid it well.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Design your clothes online

This is pretty cool and I am tempted to give it a try. Basically it's a site called StyleShake that allows you to design your clothes online, taking you through a step by step template of choices. I believe once you've gone through all the steps, provided your measurements, oh yes, and your credit card details, you hit the 'send' button and your garment is made and sent to you in ten days.

It promises dress from £99, Tops from £59, and skirts from £59. Not cheap, but then you are having something made to your measurements and that is your own unique design, albeit within a framework of given choices. I'm also not in a position to vouch for the quality of craftsmanship. I'd be interested to hear back from anyone that has used this service before.

And even if you don't want to fork out the cash, having a play with designing clothes online like this is kinda fun.

Check it out here: StyleShake

Update: I've taken a closer look and I think this is good if you want one or two simple and clean-cut standards for your wardrobe. Like, say, a little black dress, but one that happens to fit your not-so-little hips for a change. Or a white cotton shirt that fits your boobs and doesn't billow at the waist. And for this, I personally would be willing to pay because I know I'm going to get a lot of wear out of these items. But if you want something really creative and or like patterns and stuff, then this site falls short.

Thanks to the lovely Elizabeth for the tip

Daily Mail update

Saturday, May 03, 2008

One for the boys

This is a very funny response, and one which contains a fair amount of 'brethren' wisdom, to the Tricia Walsh-Smith YouTube posts where she chronicles her divorce from her husband Phillip.

We can only hope poor Phillip can put the Viagra, porn, and condoms away long enough to listen to what this dude has to say.

The 360 Billion Dollar Man

If you are looking to make a quick buck, the easy way, look no further than what Charles Fuller (pictured) did.

Fuller, 21, walked in to a bank in Texas last week and handed in a check to be cashed. The check, which was made out to him, was for the meager sum of $360,000,000,000.00 - that's 360 billion US dollars.

Unsurprisingly the bank didn't go for it, and he was arrested, for, among other things, being in possession of 2 ounces of grass. And a gun.

He has been charged with fraud and also faces charges for unlawfully carrying a weapon and possession of marijuana.Continue reading

Personally I think the criminal world is going to suffer an enormous loss if Charles goes away. This guy is clearly a criminal mastermind.

I'm confused. Did he actually think the bank would be in possession of that kind of money, and hand it to him in what? A brown sack with dollar signs on it? Or perhaps he missed a few maths classes at school and got confused with how many zero's make up, say, a thousand.

Actually I think the answer to this whole strange and unusual situation lies in the fact that Charlie had 2 ounces of weed on him. Yes, I think that pretty much explains everything.

Source and photo: Dlisted

Friday, May 02, 2008

In dreams

Wow wow wow! Just when you thought the days of treasure hunting were over, geologists, prospecting for De Beers, have found a sunken ship laden with treasure off the coast of Africa.

According to Yahoo News
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa - The ship was laden with tons of copper ingots, elephant tusks, gold coins — and cannons to fend off pirates. But it had nothing to protect it from the fierce weather off a particularly bleak stretch of inhospitable African coast, and it sank 500 years ago.

The geologists stopped the brutal earth-moving work of searching for diamonds and sent photos to Noli (Dr Dieter Noli, the chief archaeologist of the Southern Africa Institute of Maritime Archaeological Research), who had done research in the Namibian desert since the mid-1980s and has advised De Beers since 1996 on the archaeological impact of its operations in Namibia.

Judging from the notables depicted on the hoard of Spanish and Portuguese coins, and the type of cannons and navigational equipment, the ship went down in the late 1400s or early 1500s, around the time Vasco de Gama and Columbus were plying the waters of the New World

The find "was what I'd been waiting for, for 20 years," Noli said. "Understandably, I was pretty excited. I still am." Continue reading

I would have LOVED to have been there when they started hauling stuff up. Imagine handling items that had last been touched by another human 500 years ago? Truly exiting and wonderful, and the kind of thing I imagine archeologist's and indeed most of us, dream about.

Photos here.

Source: Yahoo News