Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Face forwards looking straight towards the camera with your mouth closed

Friends of ours are getting married in Italy in June, so we need to get a passport for Julia. In the passport photo guidance leaflet, a series of 'bad' photos (marked with an x to emphasise their unacceptableness) show a bunch of people in unsuitable poses: including an elderly lady with a sexy quaff of hair hiding half her face, a man wearing sunglasses, and what looks like a photo illustrating the advanced stages of myopia. Similarly, there's one of a young Muslim woman smiling. Either you aren't allowed to be a happy Muslim, or showing your teeth is a bad thing.

I'm known in my family as being fiercely private when it comes to getting my kit off. Perhaps not so fiercely private in other circles, but we won't go there. Growing up in a household full of girls it used to drive my mom and sister's crazy that I wasn't as relaxed as they were about having an unlocked door when I was in the bath or shower. Not ideal in the mornings when everyone was getting ready for school or work.

Well things have changed quite a bit since then. Today, much to my distress, I found myself yelling, "OK OK Julia, I'm coming! Mommy's just wiping her bottom!" Forget locked doors, when you have a baby it's doors wide open just in case you need to fly out of their, toilet paper in tow, to attend to some or other pending catastrophe. In this case a misplaced pacifier.

As for the toilet TMI (Too Much Information) situation, I was just following what the baby books suggest about keeping a running commentary on your actions and thoughts to encourage your baby's development of language. Other things Julia's been privy to have included, "God, Mommy really needs to get her roots done because she's looking like a two dollar hooker, I mean, a hard working lady," and "Which insane bastard is calling at this god forsaken hour? I mean, who on earth is ringing the doorbell at this time of the morning?"

I think Julia will be way ahead of the other kids when it comes to her mastery of expletives. I'm already proud in anticipation.

And now the 10pm feed beckons. And as Mommy lifts her vast poundage off of the sofa to go and heat the bottle, she's thinking it may be a good idea to lay off of the takeaways if she ever hopes to attract Daddy's interest again. On second thoughts, Mommy is thinking she may be in possession of a very powerful contraceptive measure.

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